Recently while shopping (my apologies for using the “S” word) I was -as I so often do, looking over some books related to food and came across one called “Eat This, Not That”. It was a book that for the most part was useless to Canadians – consisting of a collection of food swaps for popular American restaurants we don’t have. This book is also stated as being “The No-Diet Weight Loss Solution”, a shall we say questionable assertion to make. I not only noticed the headings that listed best and worst burgers, nachos, salads etc but also the same for dinners, lunches and breakfasts, the “best” of the latter being a complete and utter surprise to me that if I were to actually believe it may shake one of my long-held beliefs about healthy dining to it’s core… but, I don’t.
The authors state that the McDonald’s Egg McMuffin was the better/healthier option out of all breakfast sandwiches they painstakingly examined. I’m just going to say that if that’s the best of what we can assume to be a bad bunch, it must be a really bad bunch in order to be true. For my part, despite being informed by such a reliable source that a grease laden egg smothered with salt and processed cheese is in fact the healthy breakfast choice of future world leaders I for one will continue to avoid Raunchy Ronnie’s and the evil dispensed within like I would a proctologist with hemorrhagic fever.
There is also a listing for the “Worst and best meals” or something like that, pointing to the most healthy/unhealthy menu items found in the exhaustive google search performed on the friday night this book was likely written. I was curious and took a look at the listing for what was said to be the worst possible meal. What they mentioned for this category, and the stated nutritional facts attached to it was in one way horrifying to me. The worst and most unhealthy meal available in the US of A is the full rack of baby back ribs at Montana’s – the very same Montana’s that has several outlets in Calgary.
Now I’ve mentioned in the past that this chain has some of the worst food I feel I’ve had the misfortune to inflict upon my already overworked digestive system(and due to coercion by others have had to suffer through on more than one occasion). I was therefore very surprised by not so much the location of the offending meal, but the main ingredient itself… pork, glorious pork was part of the worst meal I can eat. I was traumatized. I will also note that this event has sparked the recolection of formerly repressed memories involving my discovery that eating buffalo style chicken wings(especially in the quantities I have been known to consume) was akin to playing russian roulette with an AK-47. I may need additional therapy for this.
According to the authors, this pork filled, saucy spawn of the devil that Montana’s is besetting the world with has among other unfathomably awful statistics a caloric count of over 3000. Let me put that into perspective for you my faithful reader, this dish alone has twice the calories needed to sustain life one full day for your normal healthy woman and more than 60% more than I would need to ingest as a large man. Now since approximately 1500 calories over what is needed adds one pound of lard to daddy’s already ample midsection and the demon sandwiche that is the Whopper has been flogged over & over again for being so truly awful as to pehaps cause sudden death with it’s 670 calories, this is really something else.
So just to be clear I’ll give you a real-world example. Say you’ve already exceeded your daily healthy intake of calories by the time you meet your buddies at the cookhouse(and you have), and you make the terrible mistake of ordering the full rack of ribs. By doing so you’re adding at least 2 pounds of fat to what is unfortunately and likely to be a visible to the world part of your anatomy. This by the way does not include beer, appies and dessert, three of the four food pillars of a great night of dining out with friends.
I hate finding out this sort of thing, in fact I’d rather be pecked to death by a flock of rabid Siberian budgies than learn such unlovely truths about any of the foods I feel I need in my life. While the fact that one of the authors of this little book and the awful secrets contained therein is also the person who penned such eloquent tomes as “UNCOMMON KNOWLEDGE : Hundreds of How-to Tips from Your Favorite Celebs!”, I derive little solace from this since I know deep down inside on some level it is very likely true that what could be the planets most perfect food (yeah buckwheat, I’m talking about pork here not the fetid slop at Montana’s) is in fact fatally flawed. oh well, I can at least revel in the knowing that one of my least liked chain stores has perhaps to suffer from this revelation about one of their most popular dishes.
By the way, if you just happen to be one of the many looking to shave those hard to remove extra few pesky years from your all too long life or just want to bulk up for the next swimsuit season, Montana’s is offering these very same ribs in a handy All You Can Eat form that is now available for everyone in all it’s meat sweat inducing glory every day in all stores across Canada.